"So what did your therapist tell you today?" asks Black Jack, draping his black coat over the back of the sofa before sitting down.
"Well..." Em scratches at eir cheek. "Instead of doing two and a half pages each day, she thinks I should try switching to counting by comments instead. Maybe five comments a day, and then some easy comments can count as like half a point or a quarter of a point, and harder questions can be worth more, like 'this is worth 3 questions.'"
"Interesting." Black Jack folds his arms and leans back. "Is it helping? The therapy?"
"I-I think so," Em pipes up, blushing. "I-I mean... I'm no where near as bad as I was when I first went..."
"You seem worried," says Hyo, piping in after a sip of his tea.
Black Jack cocks an eyebrow at him. "You're not usually the type to be invested in eir affairs, Hyo."
"We're talking academics, here," says Hyo, setting his cup on the table. "As president of the student council, I feel like I have a duty to help out in these situations."
"E doesn't even go there..." Kaiji remarks. This earns him a side glance from Hyo. Kaiji looks away.
"You were saying, Em?" Hyo continues.
"Ah..." Em fiddles with the teaspoon in eir cup of coffee. "I dunno... I worry about whether my new therapist thinks I need therapy at all."
"How come?" Hyo asks.
"Just... well... I guess I don't go as frequently as I used to..."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Kaiji asks. "I think... they think you're doing okay enough that you don't have to go every week any more, not like before."
"I guess?" Em concedes. "It just feels weird, I guess... not that I'm really complaining... it's a lot easier on the pocket that way..."
Kaiji nods. "Ah, yeah. Money problems are tough..."
"But is it still helping?" Black Jack repeats.
"How do we define 'helping'?" Kaiji asks.
"However you want to define it," Hyo interjects.
"Mmm..." Em stares up at the ceiling, thinking. "... I think it still is. It's still interesting to talk to my therapist and see patterns or stuff that she notices. And it's getting me going on my thesis, or making things a little less muddy, at least..."
"How so?" Black Jack asks.
"Well..." Em tenses up a little bit. "She's been trying to figure out what gets me moving. So far, consistently, I really do rely on social support to keep afloat. I need to be accountable to people in order to get moving."
Kaiji nods wisely, opening a can of beer. Black Jack and Hyo both eye him from the corner of their eyes.
"Oh, shit, Kaiji mutters, suddenly realizing. "Are you, like, a recovering alcoholic, or..."
"It's fine!" Em laughs. "I'm not. I'm not into beer, either, so you're all good. Please feel free to drink. You've had a hard day at the company..."
"Ahh, geez, you give me too much credit," Kaiji grins before taking a few chugs of the beer. "Haaaaa, that tastes great! Anyways, I was trying to say I understand where you're coming from. And, like... you can still do stuff without totally relying on other people, right?"
Em nods.
"You're okay, then," Kaiji says. "The way you reach out to other people to help you stay afloat... it's a healthy coping mechanism. You don't feel overdependent, do you?"
"I wouldn't say so..." Em thinks about it a little more. "Maybe the me from 2013 would think so... but not the me from this year."
"Did you pick up any other discoveries?" asks Black Jack.
"Mmm, she told me she sees that I at least am aware that negative and positive thoughts exist, but that the number of negative thoughts I can think of still come first and outweigh the positive. She also told me I should try to acknowledge the presence of the negative thoughts more often. Honor them. Think of them like pesky little kids, or imps, or little devils, or something."
Kaiji laughs. "You know, I constantly think about my stress using all sorts of metaphors, too. Sometimes I imagine I'm about to fall off the edge of a cliff..."
"That might be a bit different..." Hyo mumbles.
"Yeah, so, my therapist said, when I notice the little devils sneaking in and saying those statements, I should just be like... ah, hey, there you are again! Ya little imp. You're a pesky one."
"I can think of at least one person in this house who I'd think of similarly..." Hyo muses.
"Hey, don't talk about boss like that..." Kaiji mumbles.
"She thinks it'll be more helpful than like... getting mad at myself for having the negative thoughts again," Em adds.
"That's good," Black Jack says. "Didn't your old therapist ask you to do something similar?"
"Yeah, yeah," Em nods. "I'm still using a lot of the strategies she taught me all those years ago... it's coming in handy."
"Anything else you learned about yourself today?" Hyo asks.
"Well, consistently, I think there's like... my therapist says she's noticed I have a really good knack for being able to take myself out of myself, and put myself in other people's shoes, see things from their point of view, or how they would feel..."
Black Jack ruffles Em's hair. "You've always been good at that."
Em smiles. "You know, she asked me what I think makes it so that I listen to people who tell me to take care of myself, or why I still even try to take care of myself when there are some people who just don't move... I think it still boils down to not wanting others to worry about me too much. When they're sad, I get sad... but I've noticed when I'm happy or thriving, those around me feel happy or thriving, too."
"That certainly sounds like a positive turn for you," says Hyo, sipping his tea again. "You know, a few years ago, you would have not wanted people to worry about you because you were being a burden on them. Or you would lie about how you're doing so you wouldn't have to worry."
"Oh, that," Em sits up, alert. "I told my therapist too that I've been trying to be more honest and candid about how I'm really feeling. Like if I'm down... I don't say 'I'm fine' anymore, I actually say how I'm feeling... like I'm down in the dumps, or depressed, or struggling to get up that day."
"Has that been helpful for you?" asks Black Jack.
Em nods. "You know, I've noticed... pretty much most times I've opened myself up to others, other people open themselves up to me, too. And it's always been such a good experience for me... I feel more connected to people when I'm honest about myself."
"But you've been so quiet on social media lately!" Joseph pipes up from the door. "Also, who wants donuts?"
"Oooh, me," Em raises her hand like a little girl. Kaiji raises his hand too with a big smile.
"Welcome home," says Black Jack. "Oy, you know we're watching eir sugar intake..."
"Ahh, phooey, don't be such a spoilsport," Joseph grins. "Em did some pretty hard things today! And an errand e'd been putting off for months. E deserves a little pick-me-up. C'mon, pick a flavor! Uncle Joseph's got enough for everyone!"
"Oooh, we did another Life Line today, too," adds Em, licking eir lips as e stares at the different types of donuts. "Can I have the pink one?"
"Of course, my dear," says Joseph, bowing dramatically as he offers the open box to em. Em giggles and takes said donut.
"Now, who else wants a donut?" asks Joseph, circling the living room. "C'mon, Mr. Black Jack, I know you wannnt one..."
Black Jack ignores him. "So what did you put on your Life Line?" he asks as Joseph places a saucer with a coffee-flavored donut on the coffee table in front of him anyway.
"Mmm... she asked me to describe in one word or phrase the years before therapy, the years during therapy, and then... whatever significant life event I think is there. So I went with like... The Lowest Point, Recovery, Turbulence for when I was in that really stressful job, then like... a High when I finally started full-time freelancing and did really good at it... and then 'Stationary' for how I'm feeling now."
"Stationary, huh?" Black Jack asks, crossing one leg over the other. "Interesting that you didn't use 'stuck' when you say that a lot."
"Mmm... it doesn't feel all that accurate," Em says, licking some strawberry filling off of eir lips. "Cuz y'know, with stuck, it would imply feeling like I'm in quicksand, or cemented, which I don't feel? It feels more like... I'm still here with this project, but everything else around me is moving faster than I am. If that makes sense."
"I get it," Kaiji says before taking a bite of his sugar glazed donut. "Like you're in one place but not necessarily like nothing's moving at all, yeah? And you can move, but you're not getting anywhere, but the things around you still change?"
"Yeah, yeah, exactly," Em says excitedly.
"Figured anything out about that yet?" says Black Jack.
"Not really," Em replies, finishing off her donut and licking off the powdered sugar clinging to her fingertips. "Just that it feels like my thesis is part of that stationery feeling, cuz everything else about my career at the time was taking off, kind of. But the thesis hasn't moved. And it makes me feel like I'm not moving as a result. Like I've failed."
"You haven't failed," Kaiji pipes up, frowning.
"Yeah," Joseph joins in, presenting a bavarian donut to Em. "You're doing your best even if you don't believe you are."
Em smiles and takes the donut.
"Besides, you know you can do things at your own pace," adds Joseph, patting em on the head. "Nobody's out to rush you."
"Yeah, my therapist did say something like that," Em says. "She asked: 'who says you have to go fast'?"
"Exactly!" Joseph beams. "Who says? Nobody, that's who. And to the ones who still pressure you to think that... phooey to them, so what, who says you have to listen to them?"
Em nods. "Y'know, my therapist asked if she could use something I said during our session today for her talk," Em says, munching on the donut. "And she said, 'well, your words are going to help some people'. And I just kind of beamed. I liked that. I like helping people a whole lot."
Black Jack smiles and pats Em on the head again. "That keeps you going, doesn't it? Helping people."
Em enthusiastically nods.
Joseph plops himself down next to her on the sofa and noogies er. "Atta girl! ... or should I say atta boy?"
Em laughs while Hyo and Black Jack tell him to be more careful. Em looks around the room and thinks, yes, all these people around er, they would all know what it means and what it feels like to help other people. And e was glad they were here to help em, too.
August 20, 2018